Another decade has come to an end.* It has been a mixed bag of extreme lows, and the occasional soaring high. My great aunt, whom I lived with, died suddenly and I lost the only home I had left. I was thrust into my mother’s abusive relationship, where I lived in constant terror 24/7. I became homeless for the second time in my life, lost most of what I owned, and almost lost my pets. I came the closest to killing myself I ever had before. My beloved cat that I’d had most of my life, and had rarely been apart from died. My mother got hit by a car. Her job treats her like shit. On the pluses: in a small miracle my mother reconnected with an old friend just as we were becoming homeless, and we were able to stay there while we got back on our feet. It was a safe environment, and I no longer had to be afraid. It literally saved my life. I also took care of her two cats and dog, and I love them greatly (unfortunately, the dog passed away this year). I got on medication for my anxiety and depression, which helps so much. I got approved for something it’s very difficult to get approved for, and that is very important to me and my life. We were able to get an apartment owned by the church nearby, and while it’s not perfect, it is clean and safe unlike the ghetto dump we lived in last. I got a new bed, a new desk, a new dresser, and I finally got the gaming computer I’d wanted for so long.

As it was for many people, this year was trying. My mother continues to struggle with the after effects of getting hit by a car, including outrageous medical bills, and dealing with the lawyer/insurance. My psych, doctor, and service coordinator all left in the same year, which has been very detrimental to my health. I got a service coord who doesn’t provide transportation, which I need to get to my appointments, so I’ve had difficulty with my medication. The psych I saw decided to mess with my medication, which is a very delicate situation. It’s made my mental health worse than it has been in many years. I’ve been extremely low the past few months. As we’ve inched closer to 2020 it’s been getting worse. I have little hope for the future, and many worries. Australia is burning. We have a presidential election coming up, and the politics and news is soul crushing. Getting to appointments will be difficult for the foreseeable future. And as if 2020 isn’t a monumental year itself, I’m turning 30. I’ve felt like I’ve been wasting my youth for most of my twenties. I’m not well, and lack many of the resources and opportunities able-bodied people my age have. The older I get, the more this weighs on me. But I’ve been considering some things. It’s almost midnight.

* There’s been a ton of arguments about this online. It doesn’t really matter.
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It seems like 2017 was an all-around bad year for everyone. I’ve touched on this in previous posts, but 2017 was a bad year for me mentally. I haven’t been reading, watching anime, playing games. Things that I love, things that I enjoy, things that mean a lot to me. I don’t have the concentration or will to do the things that bring me joy. Even when I want to I can’t because I’m so exhausted. My anxiety and insomnia have been particularly severe. I’ve been having multiple panic attacks a day, and at one point I went 120 hours straight without sleep. I’m just completely drained. I’m running on empty. Many people make resolutions this time of year. I think if you were really committed you wouldn’t have waited until January to do them. January 1 isn’t that much different than December 31. But I understand the sentiment. We all want a fresh start. Wipe clean the pain and mistakes of the past and continue forward as a new, better person. This year I’m going to focus on self-care. I’ve been neglecting myself for too long, caught up in the garbage of life and the world. I’m going to be spending less time on social media. I often flip through my account, absorbing useless information and horrible current events. While I think it’s important to be informed of what’s going on in the world, it’s become too much for me to handle. I need a break. Instead of filling my head with junk, I’m going to be focusing on things that matter. Things that expand and enrich my mind, not starve it. Reading and learning are important to me. Even if it’s only a little bit at a time, I’m going to bring books back into my life. Games and anime seem like silly, meaningless things, but I really enjoy them. They can be fun and happy, or they can have deep, complex stories. I’m going to indulge myself more in my hobbies. And if if a show or game ends up being unenjoyable for me, I’m not going to hesitate to drop it instead of slogging through to give it a chance. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ll bring more light into my life, opening the curtains and letting the sun in. Hydrate my body with water instead of milk or pop. Declutter my brain with the soothing sound of rain and thunder. Do my nails to brighten up my day. Color and write to bring more creativity to my life. Be less harsh on myself and others. Sit up straight to support my back. Stretch and massage to ease the tension and soreness, and get the blood flowing. Put lotion on my poor, neglected skin, and lip balm on my chapped lips. Tidy and do the dishes everyday, to keep my space clean and fresh. Accept that changing for the better, healing myself, and learning to cope with my mental health issues is a journey, not something that happens overnight.
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