It seems like 2017 was an all-around bad year for everyone. I’ve touched on this in previous posts, but 2017 was a bad year for me mentally. I haven’t been reading, watching anime, playing games. Things that I love, things that I enjoy, things that mean a lot to me. I don’t have the concentration or will to do the things that bring me joy. Even when I want to I can’t because I’m so exhausted. My anxiety and insomnia have been particularly severe. I’ve been having multiple panic attacks a day, and at one point I went 120 hours straight without sleep. I’m just completely drained. I’m running on empty. Many people make resolutions this time of year. I think if you were really committed you wouldn’t have waited until January to do them. January 1 isn’t that much different than December 31. But I understand the sentiment. We all want a fresh start. Wipe clean the pain and mistakes of the past and continue forward as a new, better person. This year I’m going to focus on self-care. I’ve been neglecting myself for too long, caught up in the garbage of life and the world. I’m going to be spending less time on social media. I often flip through my account, absorbing useless information and horrible current events. While I think it’s important to be informed of what’s going on in the world, it’s become too much for me to handle. I need a break. Instead of filling my head with junk, I’m going to be focusing on things that matter. Things that expand and enrich my mind, not starve it. Reading and learning are important to me. Even if it’s only a little bit at a time, I’m going to bring books back into my life. Games and anime seem like silly, meaningless things, but I really enjoy them. They can be fun and happy, or they can have deep, complex stories. I’m going to indulge myself more in my hobbies. And if if a show or game ends up being unenjoyable for me, I’m not going to hesitate to drop it instead of slogging through to give it a chance. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ll bring more light into my life, opening the curtains and letting the sun in. Hydrate my body with water instead of milk or pop. Declutter my brain with the soothing sound of rain and thunder. Do my nails to brighten up my day. Color and write to bring more creativity to my life. Be less harsh on myself and others. Sit up straight to support my back. Stretch and massage to ease the tension and soreness, and get the blood flowing. Put lotion on my poor, neglected skin, and lip balm on my chapped lips. Tidy and do the dishes everyday, to keep my space clean and fresh. Accept that changing for the better, healing myself, and learning to cope with my mental health issues is a journey, not something that happens overnight.
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I’m getting my ass kicked by depression. I have no will to do anything. Read. Watch anime. Nothing. Food is tasteless. I’m on 4 medications now. I am put on a med, they raise the dose, switch me to another med. I have taken 3 other medications in the past few years other than the ones I am currently on. My anxiety isn’t any better either. I have several panic attacks a week. At its worst, my hands are shaking like a drunk, and my teeth are chattering. I’m supposed to go back into therapy soon, but it hasn’t helped any other time I’ve done it. I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing inside me.
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